The Enigma

When I was young I had all these visions and expectations of what the different parts of my life were supposed to look like, and none of which have manifested as envisioned. Is this really where I’m supposed to be? I want wealth but don’t seem to be able to keep myself doing the right things long enough for my efforts to compound. Just when I think I have a leg up on the situation, something happens to knock me back. I’m attracted to melancholy music, I love the idea of personally responsibility, and I hate when people judge other people without knowing them. I don’t like winey and complaining people. I love children, and I’m very sensitive to negative or confrontational situations. I sometimes experience divine home sickness as I feel I don’t belong here. I love art and I find beauty in addiction. I am occasionally nostalgic for my youth. I sometimes miss the narcissistic and selfish young man I used to be. I also sometimes wish I could obliterate any and all responsibility to myself and society as I become aware of my own will to nothingness. I desire women but I don’t make advances. I love my wife but at times I wish she would disappear, then I cry when I think about losing her. I have trouble relating to my family. Often when people give me advice I have a hard time considering they might actually know what they are talking about. I have changed a lot about myself because there was a financial interest in me doing so, so does that now mean I sold my soul? After a very passionate and heartfelt relationship, I rationalized that love feelings only cause confusion and cloud my thinking, so i closed my heart to feeling anything at all because I couldn’t look foolish to myself again. My wife has certainly paid an unnecessary price. The self-confidence I once carried has diminished with time and arguments with my wife as we have cut each other down over the years instead of building each other up. There is a lot of bitterness and resentment in both of our hearts. I worry about money because I want to grow my savings but something is always happening to cause whatever little is saved to be depleted through some “unexpected” occurrence. I hate owing my brother money because he doesn’t let me forget it. I love sleeping in late and staying up late. I love exploring my dreams and meditating and practicing experiencing spiritual experiences of eternity. Maybe that’s my way of escaping. Quincy Jones’ production for Michael Jackson is the only sound that has made me feel like dancing while I’m sober. I still crave for a toke from the peace pipe. I love Disney World and science. I love human psychology, spirituality and I am attracted to Indian (from India) clothing and Native American sounds. I love the idea of extra-terrestrials and I wish an Alien space ship would land before me one day because I would volunteer to be taken away. I don’t read like I used to. I fear that I will turn out like my father who now has cancer thought the disease is not what I fear. He is a sad regretful man who wasted the last 10 good years he had left in his life before he got to 60 in prison. His wife nags him about qualities he has always carried but she acts like they are habits he just picked up. Why do people stay in situations they don’t like? Though I’m young technologically inclined, I have an issue with the speed at which technology is moving and I refuse to stay “up to date” with the latest model that can get you results a second faster than yesterday. What’s everyone’s rush? In my opinion the irony lies in the fact that so far no GPS navigation system has yet increased the speed at which “Christian” Americans get to “heaven.” Lol what a clown society. No wonder I used to be such an asshole. Everyone is full of shit when you dissect their philosophies. They tell you not to take drugs because it harms the mind and body, but obesity reigns supreme in America? I sense destruction. Advertising and marketing is an extremely profitable industry because people are so easily swayed by the external they think they want every shiny and convenient thing that is marketed to them. People went from being physical slaves to be monetary slaves. The banks designed it well to indebt and impoverish the people so they could own them when they couldn’t repay. Indebtedness is slavery make no mistake about it. The energies of this planet are diminishing and the people no longer have the power they once had. With spirituality and higher consciousness taking a back seat to reality TV and football games, this war is like shooting ducks in a barrel for the puppet masters. Will they consume it all until the land is barren and they will be forced to colonize some other planet and start the process all over again?